One of the most eye-opening talks last night, and it's amazing how she was able to literally take the words/thoughts right out of my mind and present them in the most discerning way. It's like I had these internal thoughts of my own and then they alllll got resurfaced from an outsider, meaning, how obvious have they been!? I'm in this constant battle with my college-self and post-college self. Ccollege awu still wants to party and play and go out every night and NOT be a grandma (hence how offended I was when I was called gma..!), but post-college awu still needs to balance full-time work + tutoring more hours than I worked in college + living at home and trying (failing) to be an obedient daughter + not being 'one of those girlfriends' that I hate + breathing. And apparently I can't do it? But I'm in so much denial and this really can't be healthy and although I sleep 8 hours a night, I'm not really rested..?! These thoughts were/are still so foreign to me. Because I'm so stubborn and I can't really say no and I have ISSUES.
I remember the first time I had these thoughts when my boss asked me what I liked to do in my free time. My natural reaction was "what free time..?" But I refrained from such a rushed response, and I said "I used to dance..." And I noticed how I subconsciously used the past tense, clearly indicating that I no longer dance and no longer really have free time..? But I think it's more that I don't really have hobbies?? And then I said, "well, I tutor on nights & weekends..?" HOW PATHETIC.
I don't wanna be a grandma! I don't wanna grow up! I don't wanna be bitchy!
Sigh.
hahaha you are not a grandmama, angela.
ReplyDeleteand this is post-college life--- I could've told ya!! haha just kidding.
you'll be fine n_n